DON'(t) do it !!

Don ko firse banana, mushkil hi nahi, naamumkin hain…

That would be my advice to Farhan Akhtar (FA) and Javed Akhtar (JA).

==============

Diwali 2005, 11:31 PM, The Akhtar’s Residence. A loud explosion (sutali bomb) heard in the background. FA comes running to JA.

JA: Now son, it’s just a firecracker, you don’t have to be scared!

FA: huh? No, dad, I was just watching AB’s Don on cable tv, you know the one you wrote with salim uncle. Well I just thought of this mind-blowing alternate ending. Can I make it again? Please, please, please. (makes kid faces and prances around JA).

JA: Now son, lets just not get too excited here. Why should you touch a classic like Don?

FA: Ah! I wouldn’t go as far to call it a classic. Hell, Chandra Barot (director, Don 1978) did a lousy job with your ahead-of-the-time script! We could make it a modern day action thriller with explosions, special effects, over-the-top promotions and all that jazz!! Yeahh!!

JA: Hmmm. Sounds interesting son. Lets do it! (Flashes his nike shoes)

FA: Dad! You don’t have to do this offscreen ;) So forget the script. The actor playing don is all that is important.

JA: Bingo!! I can get SRK, he’s the only one who can step into AB’s shoes. The other’s are your call.

FA: Super!! That should guarantee a solid opening and not forgetting his charm at the overseas box-office ;)

JA: But son, having just a different ending won’t justify a remake. What would we tell the media? Fortunately, we have Taran and IndiaFM as our media partners (winks). Though, I ridiculed RGV last week for planning to remake Sholay! Damn, you should have come to me before that.

(Long Pause. Both thinking it over..)

FA: You are right dad. Well I have a plan. Let me get my laptop, I have made some notes (Gets the laptop). The formula is simple. Do everything exactly opposite as in the original don.

JA: Wow son. You are a genius!!

FA: (Shyly) Thanks dad. Chip of the old block, aye. (both laugh, as shabana azmi (SA) enters).

SA: Diwali ke din aap dono kya kar rahe ho?

JA: Far has got this great idea for remaking don, darling. Just finishing the final scripting. Shouldn’t take more than an hour dear.

FA: So, as I was saying. Let’s make it high-tech. I really liked Malaysia on my last trip there. That should a be good location. We can also make it look like an international drug cartel.

JA: Good!

FA: Lets make pran’s character, a computer expert who also steals diamonds when needed.

JA: Why not? That sounds believable.

FA: The movie will be filled with action and stunts. Lets get those crazy Chinese martial arts experts and go wild ;) When in australia for DCH, I did sky-diving. What an experience, it has to be in our new movie.

JA: Aww, all right dear. You can squeeze it in somehow.

FA: Umm, then we can get all these sexy chicks. You know priyanka is doing really well and so is kareena. With some decent wardrobe and sexy moves, they will light up the screen.

SA: (miffed) When will we stop treating actresses as eye-candy in our films?

(FA & JA ignoring her…)

JA: Soon, dear. (whispering to FA) I like that ;)

FA: Lets get my buddies shankar-ehsan-loy for music. They can easily rehash the old tunes using their new jukebox software. Wouldn’t have to pay them much (winks).

JA: Well, most of the things look in place. Let’s start scripting then.

FA: (Yawning) Dad, I am too tired right now. Here’s the DVD. Why don’t you write down the old lines? Don’t forget to make some changes, otherwise..you know (gives a sheepish smile).

JA: Ah don’t worry son. Your dad’s a pro after all!

FA: And yes. Don’t forget to put my name as co-writer. After all, I came up with the new ending :)

(12:30 PM)
==============

Thus, was born SRK’s don, 59 minutes flat. Sorry FA, I just watched the original to see what went wrong. You missed the bull’s eye by miles :( How we wished, you didn’t. You took a good action, entertainer and made a damp squib out of it. I also had a new found respect for AB, after watching SRK hamming his way through the new version. The only good thing about the movie was the twist. But that doesn’t justify spending crores in remaking a boring version, and that too from you FA (after DCH and Lakshya!). Worst, now you have started this crazy remake-the-old-films fad. Don’t know, how many cinematic mutilations will we have to sit through…

My Rating: **